


Past Losses

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-10
Updated: 2002-02-10
Packaged: 2019-05-15 01:14:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14780846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Toby/Andrea- The past is the past, but it's never forgotten... This story deals with abortion and with loss of children. Please do not read if such themes are disturbing





	1. Past Losses

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Past Losses (1/4)

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and no copyright infringement is intended.

Rating: R for adult situations

Pairing: Toby/Andrea

Warning: This story deals with abortion and with loss of children. Please do not read if such themes are disturbing.

Spoilers: "Ellie"

  


"I was right. You do look wonderful in formal clothes." Andrea greeted Toby at the door of the benefit.

"So do you," he replied truthfully. She did look great, swathed in yards of emerald silk taffeta that set off the red of her hair beautifully.

"Thank you." She smiled and curtsied a little. "Ready?"

"As ready as I can be for someone who got roped into this."

"You are aware that you'll be expected to speak?"

"Yes. You are aware that I tossed away the notes you gave me?"

"Oh, yes." She nodded and linked her arm through his. "You're a professional speechwriter. I'm sure you have something to say."

"I do, but it isn't exactly fit for mixed company."

"Stop being such a grouch, Toby."

"Make me."

"I can, you know." She smiled, running a finger lightly along the edge of his beard. Unwillingly, he smiled back at her.

"Quit flirting, Andy."

"Make me."

\-------------------

The speech went fairly well. Toby was not a good public speaker, but the feeling in his carefully chosen words more than made up for the awkward delivery. Andrea had tears in her eyes when he sat down. She wasn't the only one.

"That was lovely," she whispered to him.

"See? I can do something right." A thin thread of bitterness turned the smart ass comment into an accusation.

"Toby..." The pain in her voice was thick and heavy, and Toby backed down almost immediately.

"I'm sorry, Andy. It's just that...."

"I know," she said soothingly, taking his arm and resting her head on his shoulder. "We should dance."

"Sure." He got to his feet almost willingly. Anything was better than wallowing in the past.

\-------------------

Toby was an excellent dancer. Andy had always loved being in his arms, moving to the music. He knew how to dance properly, too. No vague swaying for him. Years ago, they had won a dance contest that they had entered on a whim. The prize money paid for a week's groceries.

Andy let herself relax in his arms. The awkwardness that they usually had these days was almost gone. It was as if they had never lost each other, had never lived through that hellish fear and anger so many times. This was a moment out of time.

She knew Toby felt the same way she did when he gently kissed her. She felt her insides melt a little. Toby's kisses always did.

She kissed him back and pressed herself closer to him. He just held her close and whirled them both around with a movement that drew admiring stares from the rest of the crowd. When she looked into his eyes, she forgot entirely about the crowd. They were in a little world of their own.

She forgot that they were in a public place; all she could remember was why she married this man in the first place.

\-------------------

The magic did not shatter when they left, nor did it seem strange to her that he drove her back to the townhouse that they had shared for so many years.

And she willingly went with him to the bed they had shared for all those years and allowed herself to once again feel his body on hers.

Endearments long forgotten came to her lips as he made love with her, endearments she thought she had forgotten how to say. She had forgotten how well she knew his body, but her hands remembered where he liked to be touched, her lips remembered the places he wanted to be kissed. And his memory of her was astonishing. She sighed and moaned and cried out in pleasure, listening to the soft sounds he made. And when she fell asleep, it was in his arms, curled there as if she had never been away.

\-------------------

"Well, this is awkward," Andrea said, as she held up her dancing dress.

"A little, yes," Toby agreed, a suspicious smirk playing around his mouth.

"I am not going home dressed in this." She shook the green taffeta until it rustled in protest. "You don't happen to have anything I can wear, do you?"

"I think I can find something," Toby promised, still with that smirk.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop looking at me like that."

"How do you want me to look at you?"

"Toby..." Andrea dropped the dress to place her hands on her hips. After all, it wasn't as if he'd never seen her naked. "I need to find some clothes. Stop staring at me as if you got laid last night."

"I did get laid last night."

"And you're very proud of yourself for that, aren't you?"

"Of course. You're a beautiful, sexy woman. Besides you got laid, too, so don't whine."

"Toby. Clothes."

\-------------------

Toby unearthed a pair of her old jeans from somewhere and handed her one of his t-shirts. She wiggled into the jeans, struggling to button the top and sighed. At least the shirt was long enough to hide the fact that the jeans were practically painted on.

"Nice look, Congresswoman," he said as she came downstairs.

"Stuff it, Ziegler," she replied, taking the coffee he held out to her. "Where did you find these?"

"You left a bunch of stuff here."

"You kept it? That was stuff I was intending on throwing out."

"Since when do I have time to clean out the attic?"

"Point." Andrea sighed and took a sip of coffee. "I borrowed one of your garment bags to put my dress in. I'll get it back to you sometime next week."

"Don't worry about it."

"Toby... About last night..." She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.

"It was fun. Let's not do it again," Toby said, with a wry twist to his mouth. "I know the drill, Andy."

"Toby... Please don't get like that about it," Andrea begged. "I don't want to fight with you anymore."

"I still love you," Toby replied softly.

"I know. I love you, too. But it's not going to work and you know it."

"Yeah." Toby turned away and she felt her heart sink at the sad resignation in his voice.

"Thanks for coming with me," she offered. "And last night was fun."

"I'll drive you home."

"No need. I'll just get a cab."

\-------------------

It was going to be an unbearable day, Toby thought, as he walked into the west wing of the White House. The report on the fund raiser was the usual fluffy pablum, but the picture was damning. It was a beautiful picture of Andrea, with a smile lighting her lovely face, in his arms. He was smiling, too, and he looked, well, happy. He was going to get teased about that all day.

"'Morning, Toby," Ginger called cheerfully as he handed her a cup of coffee, which she exchanged for a handful of messages.

"Thanks, Ginger." He nodded to her, thankful that she knew him well enough not to say anything smart mouthed until after he finished his morning coffee.

Sam was in his office when he got there, which was not all that unusual. He ignored Sam and dropped his messages on his desk and started to unpack his laptop.

"Good morning, Toby," Sam said, with an annoyingly cheerful lilt to his voice.

"What do you want, Sam?"

"Did you have a nice weekend?"

"You come in here, talking to me before my morning coffee, and you want to know if I had a nice weekend?"

"It's called small talk, Toby," Sam replied, not at all put off by either the tone or the words. "Conversation. You know, a way of easing into the day?" Sam made a smoothing gesture with his hand.

"My weekend was fine," Toby replied, with a hint of impatience. "What do you want?"

"Abortion."

"Pardon?"

"Abortion. I want to talk about abortion."

"Is this for personal reasons?" Toby asked, eyeing his deputy with a twinkle in his eye.

"No."

"'Cause if it is, I really want to hear how you're going to explain this one," Toby continued, this time with a small, but definite smile. "I mean, that thing with Laurie was understandable. Stupid, but understandable. This would be..."

"I meant for policy recommendations," Sam put in hastily.

"So you're not...?"

"No. That's impossible."

"Almost as impossible as putting up with you if you were," Toby continued. "The mood swings, the crying, the bloated ankles..."

"Look, can we get serious, here?"

"I was making conversation, Sam. It's this little thing called small talk."

"You know, Toby, there are times when I hate you."

"Yes." Toby leaned against his desk and folded his arms. "So why now?"

"Pardon?"

"Abortion. Why now?"

"There's a new report out on the abortion rates and it seems that repeat abortions are up slightly and the average age of women having abortions is lower."

"By how much? Within statistical variance?"

"Well within, but the raw numbers look bad."

"Do you have the report?"

"Yes."

"Give it here. I'll annotate it for CJ and you and I can go over it after staff."

\-------------------

"A report gets commissioned, like, eight months ago and it has to show up just after that whole marijuana fiasco," Josh grumbled, waving the abortion report during staff.

"It always happens that way," Sam pointed out. "We have no control as to when the report gets tabled.

"And the press always find out," CJ added. "We don't want to touch this."

"We have to respond," Josh retorted. "We can't just let it slide."

"Let the Surgeon General's office take care of it," Toby offered. "They commissioned the report and can interpret it better than we can. We're studying the report."

"Or we can use it as a springboard for getting the sex ed report pushed through." Josh turned to Toby.

"No, we can't."

"Why not?"

"Because the President is known for supporting the pro-life side," CJ replied. "If we say anything on abortion other than supporting an all out ban on it, the President looks like a hypocrite."

"CJ's right," Leo said. "We leave the issue alone. Abortion is worse than Social Security. We're looking at the report, nothing else."

"Got it." CJ made a note.

\-------------------

"So you and Andy had a good time Saturday night?" CJ commented, as they walked through the West Wing.

"CJ..."

"I saw the picture, Toby, as I'm sure you already know." She smiled. "Are you two getting back together?"

"No."

"Jeez, for a guy that looked so happy on Saturday night, you sure are miserable," Josh said, coming up behind them.

"On Saturday night, I wasn't putting up with you," Toby responded.

"I read that the fund raiser was very successful," CJ continued. "Over eighty thousand for research."

"A hundred and eighty," Toby corrected.

"Really?" CJ checked her notes. "Somebody left off the first digit on the report sent to me. Now it makes sense."

"What does?"

"The press release says that Saturday's fund raiser raised more than any other single event in their history. I was sure that that concert series raised over a hundred thousand," she replied, making notes. "You did good there, Pokey."

"Don't call me that unless you mean it."

"Unless she means what?" Josh asked innocently.

"Andy had a specific reason for calling me that, CJ," Toby challenged. "Would you like to know what it is?"

"I can guess." CJ grinned.

"So can I." Josh looked ill.

  


	2. Past Losses 2

Part Losses (2/4)

Please see disclaimers in part 1

\---------------------

Ainsley was furious. The abortion report went out with the trash and she made her way to the West Wing to confront Sam about it.

"You buried the report," she said, barging into his office. Sam looked up, frowning.

"No, I didn't."

"You did," Ainsley insisted. "You took it out to the back yard and dug a great big hole and dropped that report into it."

"I doubt we did, Ainsley. We don't have the funds to redo the landscaping." Sam ventured a boyish smile.

"Not literally, Sam," Ainsley snapped. "Stop trying to be cute."

"Can't help it. I am cute," Sam replied. "What are we talking about?"

"Abortion. Those statistics are alarming."

"Those statistics are well within expected variance, Ainsley. The stats haven't changed appreciably in three years."

"Yes, they have. And even if they haven't, the abortion rate is shocking. The President himself is opposed to abortion, but during his tenure, the rates go up? Does this make any sense to you?"

"The President is capable of separating his personal feelings from the needs and wishes of the people, Ainsley," Sam said quietly. "I don't know anyone who wholeheartedly approves of abortion. I just think that there are better ways to deal with the problem of unplanned pregnancies than to force women who are already in a stressful situation to break the law."

"How about recommending that schools teach abstinence?"

"How about teaching kids about safe sex?" Sam shot back.

"And encourage them to do it?"

"Teenagers don't need any encouragement to have sex," Sam replied.

"Neither do most adults," Toby observed, standing at Sam's door. "Sam, when you get a moment to actually do some work, I'm still waiting on the position paper for 766."

"I'll have it for you at the end of the day."

"I won't be back today. I have to go talk to Seth Gillette about the Blue Ribbon Commission," Toby grimaced. "I expect to find it on my desk in the morning."

"Will do." Sam nodded, then turned back to Ainsley.

\-------------------

"Toby." Seth rose slightly and held out a hand. Toby gripped it briefly and sat down.

"Seth."

"You're a despicable bastard, Ziegler. You ambushed me."

"We need you on the committee and we couldn't ask."

"So you just announced that I was and expect me to take it?"

"I expected you to be pissed at the President for it. He's not the one that did it. I am."

"I knew that, Toby. Why ambush me like that?"

"Because you want to be on the committee. And you were going to grandstand if we asked."

"And I can't refuse," Gillette said bitterly. "Is it worth it?"

"Having you out for my blood?" Toby asked. "Yes."

"I can make your life a merry hell."

"Get the committee on track and get it done and you can dance the fandango on my ass."

Gillette glared at Toby for a full minute. Toby just looked at him steadily.

"You really piss me off, Toby," Gillette said finally, in a milder tone. "Just when I'm convinced that you're one of the most ruthless sons of bitches in Washington, you do something like this."

"Like what?"

"You really care about this, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"You don't give a damn about the political points this will score, do you? You really do care that this gets done."

"Yes. The only way it's going to get done is in camera, with you at the table. You know that."

"Yeah." Gillette sighed. "Yeah, I do. I still don't like the way you did it."

"You get this done and you win, Seth," Toby said seriously. "You care about this as much as I do."

"Yes. I do."

"It wasn't the President, Seth. It wasn't Leo or Josh. It was me. You want to lash out at anybody, do it to me."

"I can't," Gillette replied flatly. "It this instance, you were right. I'd have done the same thing, if I had thought of it."

"So we're clear on this one?"

"Yeah. On this one. Not on anything else."

"I can live with that."

Silence reigned for a moment, neither man quite sure what to do. Both of them had planned on a much longer meeting.

"So, have you seen Andrea recently?"

"A few weeks ago. Why?" Toby looked suspicious. Why was Seth bringing her name up? Did Seth guess that the original idea came from her?

"She's not looking good. She had to leave a committee meeting yesterday to throw up," Seth replied. "I thought you might know what was up with her."

"No. We don't talk much these days." Toby frowned.

"She looks like hell. You might want to call her," Seth suggested softly, rising.

Toby stayed where he was. What the hell was Seth talking about? Was Andy really sick? Or was this Seth's way of trying to get under his skin? Seth was certainly petty enough to try.

With a sigh, he pulled out his cell and dialled a number he had memorised long ago.

\-------------------

"Toby?"

"Hi, Andy. I just talked to Seth Gillette."

"Poor baby." Andy sounded both sympathetic and sardonic; a talent she had learned during their marriage. "And you called me to pass on the misery, right?"

"Actually, he was pretty good about it. You were right. It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission."

"Hang on while I mark my calendar. Toby Ziegler admitting I was right is worth celebrating. You think the President would be willing to make it a national holiday?"

"Andy, are you all right?"

"Okay, that was a cheap shot," she replied, in a softer tone. "Sorry."

"Seth said you weren't feeling well." There was a long pause. "Andy?"

"Toby, we have to talk. Are you in your office?"

"No, but I can be. Or I can come to yours."

"No, I'll come to you. Half an hour?"

"Sure."

\-------------------

Toby went back to his office and told Ginger that he had a meeting with Andy and let her in as soon as she arrived. Then he closed the door to the office and sat down on the couch.

Seth hadn't been trying to bother him. There really was something going on with Andy. What could she need to talk to him about? There wasn't anything political that involved her going on, so it had to be something personal. Was she ill? Or was there something happening in her family? Andy had a notoriously weak stomach when she was upset. The last year of their marriage, she had lost a lot of weight from the constant bouts of nausea, caused by their arguments.

\-------------------

She appeared at his office door suddenly and he was stuck to the core at the look of utter devastation on her face.

"Andy?" He rose and led her in and shut the door. "What's wrong? Are you ill?"

"Not exactly. I don't know how to say this delicately, so I won't bother trying," she said, a weird, sad smile playing around her mouth. "Toby... I'm pregnant."

"Are you sure?"

"I just got back from the doctor. No question about it." She sat down on his couch with a thump. "I'm pregnant, Toby." She looked at him as if he could make her pain go away.

He wasn't sure what to say. He sat down too, feeling a little dizzy. God, it was starting again.

"What do you want to do about it?" he asked finally.

"I can't... I can't do this again," she said, burying her face in her hands. "I just can't."

Toby leaned over and touched her knee, not saying anything. He bit his lip to prevent the words that were aching to be said.

He wanted to wrap his arms around her and assure her that he still wanted her, wanted this; that he would marry her again in a minute. He wanted to beg her to give this a chance, to forget about what she was planning to do. He wanted to say all those things, but stayed silent.

"I've already made the appointment." Andrea straightened, wiping her eyes. "I thought I should at least let you know."

"Want me to come with you?" he offered, very gently.

"No." Andrea shook her head. "No, I'd really rather you didn't." He knew immediately that she was telling the truth.

"Okay. If you need me for anything, I'll be right there for you." He knew he had said the right thing at the look of gratitude she gave him. She rose and so did he, and they found themselves embracing tightly.

"I'm sorry, Toby," she whispered. "I really am." She kissed his cheek and left. Toby tried to go back to work, but it took all his energy to hold back the flood of tears just waiting behind his eyes.

\-------------------

Ainsley and Sam were standing just outside Sam's office, squabbling again. As a consequence, Toby could hear most of the argument, if he felt like listening. Today, he didn't.

Today, he was having trouble concentrating on work. Today, all he wanted to do was pick up the phone and call Andy. Today, all he wanted to do was grab his car keys and find her. Today was the day she was going to that clinic. Today, of all days, he should be with her.

He knew why she didn't want him there. There was too much emotion there, too much painful history to recall, too much guilt and anger. She knew, without him ever saying a word, what he wanted and how he felt. He knew, too, how she felt and why she had chosen this.

In his heart of hearts, he did not support her decision and she knew it. She probably thought he was angry over her deciding to abort their child without consulting him. He was, a little, but the anger was almost completely swamped by the pain of loss that filled him. He had lost her and lost his chance to father her children. He had lost that long ago, but the pain of it was still strong enough to take his breath away.

As well, he was ashamed and guilty. That night of the fund raiser, he should have known better than to make love with her without making absolutely sure that this would not happen. He knew better than to take any chances with getting her pregnant.

He had no doubts that he was the father, none at all. Andy would never take chances with getting pregnant; it was only the magic of the night that had led to this. His carelessness and his selfish desire to recapture, even for a little while, what they once had led to this. He had hurt her again, after swearing to himself that he would never do that.

\-------------------

"...You're a man, Sam," Ainsley said sharply. "How can you possibly understand what a woman goes through?"

"And how can you understand?" CJ joined the debate, arms folded. "You're a well educated, well paid woman who's never had to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. You have options. Some of these women don't."

"And those that do and choose to abort rather than use birth control or, God forbid, actually stop having sex?" Ainsley retorted. "What happened to options like adoption or taking responsibility for the baby? Isn't that what you're always preaching? You want women to have control over reproduction and yet you refuse to acknowledge that there is also responsibility involved. Killing a baby isn't taking responsibility. It's murder."

"Until such time as women have a foolproof method of birth control, abortion remains an option for women who don't have the resources, financial or emotional, to carry a child full term," CJ replied. "Not everyone can afford to take time off to give birth."

"There is a foolproof way to avoid getting pregnant. It's called abstinence..."

\-------------------

Toby couldn't bear any more. Sam and Ainsley bickering was a constant theme these days; it seemed to be their preferred form of flirting. CJ getting into it was annoying, since it always rose the noise level to the point where he could hear everything clearly. But, today, of all days, to have an abortion debate going on just outside his office...

"Sam, get back to work," he ordered, glaring at Sam. "Ainsley, you don't work here. You work in the Counsel's office. CJ, don't you have something more important to do?"

"I think this debate is important."

"CJ."

CJ looked at him for a long moment before turning away.

"Okay," she said quietly.

"Toby, what's your opinion on the matter?" Sam asked, eager for some back up.

"Yes, Toby." Ainsley looked ready for a fight. "Look me in the eye and tell me that you condone baby killing?"

"It's the woman's choice," Toby said quietly. "Not mine, not yours and not the governments. And she deserves to have the option of a safe, legal abortion. It's not up to me or to anyone else to decide what stresses a woman can or cannot handle. Having a child should be a welcome event, not a time of fear and dread."

"That's fine for you to say," Ainsley replied. "You're not the one who has to live with the guilt. You'd feel differently if it was your wife who had an abortion."

"Would I?"

\-------------------

"Toby..." Sam waited until Ainsley left, then went into his boss's office.

"Go away, Sam." Toby was fussing with papers on his desk, but he wasn't really working.

"I'm sorry if our conversation bothered you."

"Why should it bother me any more this time than the two hundred times you've done it before?" Toby snapped back. "Go back to work. Finish the edit on Wednesday's speech so I can look it over before the President gets his hands on it."

\-------------------

"CJ, can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Did you know that 40 languages a year go extinct?"

"Well, if you ask Toby, English is one of them," Sam replied. "Speaking of whom..."

"He'd be very disappointed at that segue, Sam," CJ interrupted. "What's on your mind, Spanky?"

"When Toby came out to chase us away, you left without saying anything. You don't usually walk away from the abortion debate."

"And your question?"

"Why did you?"

"I didn't want to hurt Toby's feelings," CJ said carefully. "Sam, please don't make anything of this, but the whole topic of kids a pretty sensitive one for him."

"Why?"

"His son died at about six months old," CJ said quietly. "I don't know if they tried again, but the whole topic became taboo when Andrew died. I know it was part of why the marriage ended."

"How did he die?"

"I don't know. They were in New York and I was in LA at the time," CJ replied. "Andy called me to tell me that Drew died, but she didn't say anything about how and I didn't feel I had the right to ask."


	3. Past Losses 3

Past Losses (3/4)

Please see disclaimers in part 1

\---------------------

CJ put the phone down and put her head in her hands. She really didn't need this. Technically, this wasn't anything she had to worry about; it wasn't strictly White House business, but she still felt her heart sink. Poor Andy. She wondered if Toby knew.

"CJ?" Toby, with his usual impeccable timing, was standing at her door. "You wanted to see me?"

"Come in and close the door," she said, waving him in.

"What the hell? If you wanted to talk to me, you could have just walked down the hall. It isn't that far to my office." Toby sounded irritated. She couldn't blame him; she was expected to come to him, not the other way around.

"I just got a heads up from Mary at the Times," she said slowly. "She had a tip that Andy had an abortion recently." She waited, unsure of what Toby was going to say. He looked away, his hands clenched and his jaw set. It was a long time before he spoke.

"On Monday." He nodded slowly. "I know."

"What with the new abortion report, it's going to hit the press." CJ prayed for her voice to come out steady and waited for the explosion.

"How dare she?" The explosion was muted, all the more terrifying in the soft, silky smooth tone that delivered it. "How dare anyone try to score political points from a personal matter?"

"Toby, I know it's not good..."

"No, CJ, you don't know." Still, the silk-smooth rage. "You don't know a damned thing about it."

"Care to explain it to me?" CJ asked softly.

"No."

"Toby... I have to ask. Are you...?"

"The father? Yes," Toby bit out. "Excuse me, CJ. I have to call Andy and let her know that our personal hell is about to hit the papers."

\-------------------

"Okay, CJ, what the hell is going on?" Leo had his glasses off and was standing. A bad sign; he wasn't even feigning inattention this time.

"What do you mean?" CJ asked carefully.

"The entire West Wing is tiptoeing around as if there was an imminent explosion about to happen. The eye of the storm seems to be in Toby's office. What happened to piss him off this time?" Leo said smartly. "According to Sam, this all started when you called Toby into your office. He left, then holed himself up in his office with his ex. And for the last two hours, they've been locked in there while the rest of the staff has been walking around on eggshells."

"I got a tip from Mary at the Times. She found out about Andy getting sick in a committee meeting and went looking, since Andy's high profile. She says she has pictures and proof that Andy had an abortion last Monday. She called me to warn me in case Toby didn't know about it."

"Did he?"

"Yes."

"Christ." Leo sat down aburptly. "He's bent out of shape because his ex has been with someone who isn't him. That's all we need."

"Worse. The baby was Toby's," CJ said quietly. "Leo, this is not something we can get involved in."

"We have to. You're going to get questions. Everybody in Washington knows he still cares for her."

"I know."

"Can you answer them?"

"Of course I can." CJ looked exasperated. "We do not comment on the personal lives of the staff. Congresswoman Wyatt's own people can handle things from her end."

"And if you're asked about the President's reaction?"

"Since the President doesn't comment on the personal lives of the staff either..." CJ let that trail off. Leo nodded firmly and put his glasses on.

"CJ? Is there any way you can, you know, get Toby to stop scaring the crap out of the entire West Wing?"

"I haven't found one so far, but I'll see what I can do."

\-------------------

"You can say it, you know." Andy scuffed the toe of her shoe on the carpet.

"Say what?"

"What you've been dying to say. You can call me a cowardly bitch who robbed you of your child," Andy replied evenly. "God knows, you've said it before."

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to. It was pretty clear the last time. And the time before that."

"I am not having this conversation again." Toby raised his voice in frustration.

"No. You're going to let this fester between us, just like it did before."

"What does it matter if it does? You're gone, Andy. You walked out on me and our marriage. You weren't willing to fight for what we had."

"Another example of my cowardice," Andy replied bitterly. "It's pretty clear what you think of me."

"Would you stop telling me how I feel?"

"Why? It isn't like you're going to do it. Tell me the truth, Toby. You blame me for losing our kids."

"No."

"Like hell."

"What do you want me to say, Andy? That I blame you for Drew and Sylvia?" Toby shouted. "I swear to God I don't. I do blame you for turning away from me. I do blame you for not being there when Drew died. Just like you blame me for the fact that he died."

"I never blamed you for that," Andy whispered. "Never, ever."

"You hated me then." Toby's voice went low, too.

"I hated everyone then," Andy replied. "You. Me. Drew. The goddam doctors who couldn't tell us why he was the way he was. Then Sylvia..."

"After that, you didn't want to try again."

"But you refused to give up," Andy replied, brittle bitterness in her voice.

"The chances were so remote as to be astronomical," Toby spat out. "Genetic testing. Careful diet, lots of rest..."

"The most horrific sickness while I was pregnant," Andy finished. "And all for what?"

"You refused to let me touch you after that," Toby said quietly. "We'd lost so much, Andy. Why did we have to lose that?"

"I was afraid, Toby." Tears were streaking down her face. "So were you. And we were both so angry..."

"Just like now." Toby sighed.

"What the hell are we going to do, Toby? The vultures out there are going to want to know every detail."

"It's a private matter."

"It's not, though, and you know it. They'll find the records." Andy shivered.

"If anyone ever had a good reason for an abortion..." Toby did not finish the sentence.

"I don't give a damn about that," Andy replied coldly. "Yes, telling the whole story will make the abortion irrelevant. It'll pick up a hell of a lot of sympathy for both of us. It's not a price I'm willing to pay. I'm not living through that all over again. I can't."

"I can't, either," Toby agreed and ran his hand across his head. "May I tell CJ about it?"

"I thought you already had."

"No. I couldn't talk to you about it. What makes you think I could talk to her?"

"Yeah. Okay." Andy nodded. "Maybe she can find a way to keep the lid on it."

Toby wrapped her in his arms and they held each other for a long, long time.

\-------------------

Sam tapped the end of a pencil on his desk, willing himself not to glance into the window to Toby's office. He had done well so far in not seeing Toby and Andy pacing back and forth across the office, done well in not hearing the shouting.

Now it was quiet and it had been for nearly ten minutes. He bent his head to the papers on his desk, praying for blessed oblivion in work. It must have worked, since he didn't hear the soft knock, or the door opening.

"Sam?" Toby stood there. "I'm going to be out of the office for a couple of hours. Agnes is going to transfer my calls to you. Ginger will bring in the notes that you need."

Sam digested this. Toby never left without taking his pager and cell. Then again, Toby never had red rimmed eyes, either.

"Okay." Sam nodded firmly. He didn't know how he was going to explain why he was answering Toby's calls, but he'd think of something. He wanted to offer some form of sympathy, but he didn't know exactly what was going on, nor did he think Toby would appreciate it.

\-------------------

CJ followed Toby to a private booth, with a drink in hand. She never drank during the workday, and Toby rarely did, but she had a feeling that they would both need it.

"How's Andy?"

"She's pretty upset," Toby said seriously, taking a drink.

"Leo was wondering what was going on this afternoon."

"Did you tell him?"

"Considering I'm not real clear on what was going on, I couldn't." CJ took a tiny sip. "Are you going to tell me? Is that what this meeting's about?"

"Yeah." Toby bit his lip, looked away and ran his hand across his head and down his beard. CJ waited. "Look, CJ, do you remember when Drew was born?"

"Yeah. I was working my ass off at Berkeley, trying to get my Master's thesis finished."

"You never saw him, as I recall."

"No. I couldn't afford to fly to New York and you never sent me any pictures," CJ replied. "What was wrong with him?"

"I don't know," Toby said softly. "He was born with some pretty severe birth defects." He reached for his wallet and pulled out a picture. CJ took it and looked closely. The size of the picture and the dim light in the club made it hard to make out, but even under those conditions, she could tell that the child in the picture was handicapped.

"After Drew was born, Andy went into a bad depression. She hadn't been well through the entire pregnancy and it took her a while to get back on her feet." Toby put the photograph back. "I quit my job to take care of Drew. I was there from the day he was born to the day he died."

"Toby... I'm so sorry...," CJ said softly, putting her hand on his arm. He shook it off brusquely.

"Don't," he ordered. "If I wanted your sympathy, I'd have told you then."

"Okay." CJ refused to feel hurt.

"The doctors told us that it was a fluke. That there was no reason why we couldn't have another child," Toby continued, after taking a drink. "A few years later, we tried."

"You never told me about that."

"We didn't tell anyone. We didn't want to say anything until we knew that things were going to work out okay."

"Tempting fate."

"Tempting fate," Toby agreed. "Sylvia lived for less than twelve hours. She was even more severely handicapped than Drew had been."

"Oh, God," CJ said in a hushed tone. "So you stopped trying."

"We went to some of the best genetic counsellors in New York. I found out that I'm a carrier for both Tachs-Say and Gauchers, but they said that shouldn't have affected anything. Andy's not," Toby said slowly. "They told us that there was probably something in the environment that affected the fetus, so we moved to Arizona."

"Which, as I recall, you hated."

"So did Andy, but we really wanted a family. We did everything right, according to the doctors, and there was nothing in her genetics or mine that should have produced the effects we got."

"You tried again while you were there," CJ said slowly.

"Yes. It seemed to be going well. Andy was tired, but not as sick as she'd been before. The prenatal tests seemed to be indicate that everything was fine."

"What happened?"

"Stillbirth."

"A boy or a girl?"

"I don't know." Toby looked away. "They couldn't tell."

\-------------------

With that quiet admission, CJ got up, leaving Toby alone with his memories and his emotions. She went to the ladies room to bring herself under control. What must it have been like for both of them, to have such badly damaged children?

She swallowed the tears and horror she felt and wiped off her face. Then she went to the bar and ordered two double scotches.

Toby had his head in his hands when she returned to the table.

"Andy and I went through some bad times because of this, but the last time was the worst," Toby said, as if he hadn't noticed her leaving. He took a long drink. "By the time we got to Washington, our marriage was pretty much over. She threw herself into her career and got elected to Congress. We muddled along for a bit, then she left. A few months later, Leo approached me to work for Bartlet for America."

He fell silent and CJ said nothing. She recalled Andy calling her to tell her that she and Toby had broken up, not all that long before Toby unexpectedly turned up at her house in California. She wanted to ask Toby what had happened, but he refused to let her close enough. When she had arrived in Washington, she had asked Andy, but Andy had looked so distressed that she dropped the subject.

CJ was ashamed that, at the time, she had thought that Toby had been entirely to blame. Andy had been so hurt and Toby so distant, she had thought that Andy had caught him with another woman or something. She hadn't expected anything like this.

"I hate to pry, but..." CJ stumbled over the words. Toby gave her a humourless half smile.

"How did she end up pregnant again?"

"I think I can figure out that part." CJ also half smiled. "It was the night of the fund raiser, wasn't it?"

"It was as if we'd never lost each other, that night," Toby said softly. "The thought of pregnancy never crossed my mind. I doubt it occurred to her, either. It had been so long since I'd held her, CJ."

The emotion in his tone made CJ uncomfortable.

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" CJ asked softly.

"I don't still wear my wedding ring because I forget it's there." Toby took another drink. "We won't get back together, CJ. I don't think we can get past what has already happened. If we could, I'd take her back in a minute."

"You didn't want her to have this abortion," CJ said flatly.

"I admit that, for a fraction of a second, I had hoped that she would be willing to try," Toby said quietly. "CJ, I don't want this story to become common knowledge. It's private and it's still very... painful. For both of us."

"I'll see what I can do, but I can't make any promises," CJ warned. "With the abortion paper and with her high profile, it might come out if anyone thinks to look."

"Or I stand firm and admit that I had an abortion because I'm single and can't provide properly for a child," Andy spoke, startling both of them.

"How long have you been standing there?" Toby growled at her.

"Long enough. I felt bad about putting this all on you," Andy replied, sitting down beside Toby. They looked at each other.

CJ hastily picked up her coat and shrugged it on. She felt as if she had suddenly disappeared.

"I have to go, Toby. I have a briefing in about half an hour and I have to prepare."

Neither of them answered and she bit her tongue not to make some kind of smart remark.

\-------------------

"Is everything straightened out?" Leo demanded as she walked past his office. "Can we go back to work now?"

"Yeah." CJ ran her hands through her hair. "I think Toby will be okay."

"Yeah?"

"No." CJ sighed. "This whole thing has stirred up a lot of bad memories for him."

"I can sympathize, but we need to get back to work."

"It'll be okay, so long as the topic gets dropped." CJ lifted her chin. "I'll do what I can to make sure that happens."

"Good."


	4. Past Losses 4

Past Losses (4/4)

Please see disclaimers in part 1

\------------------

"You know, I don't think I ever apologised to you," Andy said, fiddling with the stir stick in Toby's drink.

"Andy..."

"No, I never did," she said, looking at him. "I'm sorry I turned away from you, Toby. I know now that you were hurting as badly as I was."

"I should have tried harder to reach you, Andy. You left, but I just let you go."

"That hurt, Toby," she admitted awkwardly. "You pushed me away as much as I pushed you. You let me know how angry you were, but never how hurt you were."

"You did the same thing, though."

"Yeah." They sat in silence for a while.

"Want to try again?" he asked softly.

"Toby..."

"Not kids. Us. You and me."

"I don't know." She hesitated and Toby sat back.

"Okay, I get the message. Sorry I asked."

"Toby, wait." Andy took his hand. "When I said I don't know, I wasn't putting you off. I really don't know. Until the night of the fund raiser, I didn't know if I could ever let myself be with you again."

"But you didn't seem to mind that night."

"No." She took a drink of his scotch. "There aren't going to be any kids, Toby."

"I know."

"That was always important to you. You could find someone else who could give you that family you want."

"I haven't done so far." Toby sighed. "Besides, how do we know that the problem isn't with me?"

"Can you honestly say that you believe that? Or that you can deal with there being no kids, ever?" Andy looked at him seriously.

"I would give a great deal to say no," Toby said quietly. "But I just don't know."

"Victor was a loser," Andy said suddenly.

"I could have told you that. He works for the Orioles."

"And he wasn't you," Andy agreed. "How have you been doing on that front?"

"I don't have time to go out anywhere."

"When you do, give me a call," Andy suggested softly.

"Don't joke about it, Andy."

"I'm not joking. If we take it slow, and actually talk to each other, maybe we can go out once in a while."

"Okay." A small smile appeared at the corners of his mouth.

"We should get back to work." Andy picked up her purse.

"Right." Toby rose and drained the last of his drink. "You going to be okay about the questions?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"If it helps, you can name the miserable bastard who callously got you pregnant," Toby offered. "I'll be there if you need me."

"What, you don't want the finger pointed at poor old Victor?"

"I'd rather not let anyone think that you preferred him to me."

"A little competitive, there, Pokey?"

"Aren't I always?"

\-------------------

"Guys, there's something I have to say to all of you and I want you to listen hard." CJ eyed the crowd in her office. Sam was looking properly chagrined, although he had no idea what for. Josh was looking impatient and checking his watch. Ainsley was paying attention politely, but CJ knew she was itching to get back to her argument with Sam. Ginger and Bonnie exchanged glances, not sure why they were included in this.

"CJ, can we get on with it?" Josh snapped. "I have a meeting in, like, a minute and a half."

"This will only take a minute," CJ retorted. "A rumour is floating around the hill that Congresswoman Wyatt had an abortion recently."

"Great." Josh snorted. "Attacks against the party again."

"And why should that be perceived as an attack?" Ainsley said sweetly. "After all, you guys don't have a problem with abortion, do you?"

"The rumour is true," CJ said bluntly, after glaring at Ainsley. "And none of you are going to discuss it. And Sam? Ainsley? If you're going to keep fighting about abortion, do it somewhere other than in the Communications office, okay?"

"CJ, does Toby know about the rumour?" Ginger asked quietly.

"Yes."

"Does he know it's true?"

"Yes, he does."

"We'll keep the gossip out of the office, CJ," Bonnie assured her. "Can we go?"

"Sure." CJ waved a hand. "Not so fast, you three." Josh, Sam and Ainsley halted in their tracks.

"What?" Josh demanded. "I'm not the one who's been fighting about abortion all week."

"I need you to talk to Donna."

"Donna wouldn't deliberately set out to hurt Toby. You know that."

"Yes, I do. That's why I need you to make sure she knows not to talk about it in the bullpen in her usual fashion."

"Okay. What about the President? He might say something."

"Leo's got that covered."

"Wait a minute. I'm not sure what's going on here," Ainsley said, holding up her hand. "Why this conspiracy to keep the topic away from Toby?"

"Because he's Andrea Wyatt's ex-husband," Sam supplied. "And, unless I'm missing something, the baby was his, wasn't it?"

"I didn't say that." CJ told him.

"I saw the pictures of the fund raiser, CJ, and I know he still loves her," Sam replied quietly. "You want to make sure he has some space to deal with this, right?"

"Right." CJ looked gratefully at Sam. "Ainsley? Can I trust you to stop bringing the topic up around Toby?"

"Of course." Ainsley nodded immediately. "Should I apologize?"

"No," Sam and CJ said at the same time.

"Just drop the subject, okay?" CJ added. "That's it."

\-------------------

"You talked to everybody, didn't you?" Toby demanded, the day Andy gave her statement, confirming that she had an abortion.

"No..." CJ crossed her fingers, although she wasn't technically lying. She hadn't talked to everybody.

"CJ..."

"Okay, I told Sam and Ainsley to stop fighting in the office. And I did mention it to Josh, so that the topic wouldn't come up."

"And Ginger and Bonnie?"

"They were there, but I didn't have to say anything to them. They care about you, you know," CJ explained. "I just wanted to make things a bit easier on you. I didn't tell them about... the stuff we talked about."

"Okay." Toby gave a long sigh. "It does make it easier, you know, not to have to get them to shut up."

"You're welcome." CJ smiled, knowing that was as close to a thank you as she was going to get. "Wanna go for a drink later?"

"Um. No. Thanks." Toby shook his head. "I have things to do."

"Toby?" CJ eyed him carefully. "What's going on? You don't have to explain why you don't want to come."

"No, I don't. So why are you asking me?" Toby did not raise his eyes from the floor.

"Spill it, Toby. You're up to something."

"Ah, hell, CJ, I have a doctor's appointment later and I probably won't feel like going out after."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Andy and I... Well, we might be thinking about getting back together," Toby admitted.

"That's great." CJ beamed. "Why a doctor's appointment?"

"It's not certain, CJ. We have a lot of things to work through."

"And the doctor's appointment?"

"Well, I thought it might solve a few things if there wasn't any chance that what happened before didn't happen again," Toby said, uncomfortably.

"You're getting a vasectomy?"

"God, CJ, why not just announce it to the press in a briefing?" Toby snapped at her.

"I think it's sweet that you'd do that for her," CJ said seriously.

"Yeah, well, maybe she'll know that I'm serious about wanting her back." Toby shuffled his feet.

"Do you think it'll work?"

"I honestly don't know. I hope so."

"So do I." CJ walked over to him and kissed him gently on the cheek. "If it does, I get to be best man at your wedding."

"Best man?"

"Hey, I've got more balls than most of the men around here."

"Moot point. So does Andy."

"True. But if I'm best man, you can ask Sam to be bridesmaid."

"Now that might be enough to get Andy to marry me again. Sam and Josh as bridesmaids."

"And Leo as flower girl?"

\-------------------

Sam heard the laughter and smiled. Josh did, too, and looked over at his friend.

"They're laughing."

"Which means everything is back to normal," Sam replied, with satisfaction.

"They're probably laughing at our expense," Josh pointed out.

"Which means everything is definitely back to normal."

END


End file.
